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Wedding Wailings

Wedding Wailings

I know this goes beyond all cultural boundaries regardless of what family, religion, status you belong to-wedding drama. To be honest I haven’t attended family or friends’ weddings in a long time (they are all married, I guess), but last year was by younger brother’s opulent wedding and let me tell you I wasn’t the only one sighing in relief after the hoopla was over.

In weddings, I have noticed, drama starts months before. In western cultures, I notice it is usually the fight between who is important-the bride or the family. In eastern culture, it is that, but throw in the mix the cultural obligations of inviting cousins, aunts, uncles and general hateful people you don’t want to see at what one would deem a happy occasion. So I was just thinking about all the crazy stuff that has happened to me as a woman, no, not as a bride, but a regular, normal, title-less woman at Pakistani Weddings. So here goes:

1.    Last year at my brother’s outdoor Nikkah (wedding vows ceremony) event, a boy (from our side, ugh) actually pulled his pants down and started peeing on the grass. Yes, there were people carrying couture clutches, bride wearing Bunto Kazmi, and I was standing 5 feet from the president of the pee squad. I said nothing, but removed myself from the situation politely.

2.    Yes, this happened to me. After we (the groom's baraat) arrived at the hotel, one of the sister-in-law’s actually came to my face and started yelling at it. Now, I am no angel and I know I probably deserved it a little bit, but please there is a time and a place. I just stared at her in disbelief and complimented her jewelry and that seemed to work.

3.    A cousin at the mehndi (pre-wedding party) found there were no serving spoons at the buffet line so instead of asking for one, he took the whole platter to his table. I think he found it funny, but my mom didn’t. At the wedding, she continuously picked on him for not sitting at the right table (instead of talking to him about what he did), which was not a big deal, but underlying resentment was ruling here people!

4.    Also, during the outdoor Nikkah ceremony in Michigan where the greenery is beautiful and pollen is high, you find yourself tearing up for all the wrong reasons. Now, I am not an emotional person, but I couldn’t contain myself from whining and complaining about my makeup and false eyelashes, which prompted my brother’s mother-in-law to go shush to me (love her!)

5.    Continuing with the makeup topic, I had this gorgeous plum shaded lip stain on the night of the wedding. And to prevent it from bleeding I didn’t eat anything. Now my die-hard fans (yes, I am sure there are some) know how much I love food so I really missed the party (figuratively and there was a food truck there too) and regret it still.

6.    Then Valima came. This was hosted by the groom’s (my brother) family. Yes, more embarrassment considering how insane our side of the family (uhm extended family) is. There were guests who actually didn’t bring presents. Yes, the couple went through the trouble of organizing a reception at a golf club, and apparently people couldn’t run to the nearest Best Buy and get a lamp. I am sorry, but that is a guest faux pas to the core.

7.    This is my personal favorite which basically means it pissed me off the most. You are at a wedding, you look good, you feel good and then you meet your future husband. The only thing I know is to bat my eyelashes and use my witty intelligence to attract the opposite sex. Well, apparently other girls, aka, bride’s cousins have plans too to do the same. Except on a whole level of obvious. I won’t go into it in details because who knows who will read it and I will be in trouble. But, girls you know how annoying that is.

8.    This actually happened to me at a friend’s wedding. A mom looked at me and I caught her saying about me “she is pretty, no?” to her daughter. Her daughter who is drop-dead gorgeous (being disingenuous here) btw said no and made a face and the topic was done. Yup! Rejected like I was a Ann Taylor bag and they were looking for Hermes. Oh well!

So there you have it. These are actual things that have happened in Pakistani weddings to me. I would love to hear your crazy stories as well. Why? Just because they are funny!

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